گوشه کنایه

 

دیشب باز به سراقم اومد. 

 بلای جونم, با همراه, بی خبر آمد.

 باز چی شده؟

 بیکارم. تفریح میخوام. عروسکم چیزی بگو. شعری بخون. دلم تنگه. یارم بی وفا. خبر داده که کارمون تموم شده. بیا تو کوچه.

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من و تو تو این دونیا تکیم. چرا اینقدر به فکری؟

اونها که احساس ندارن. قدرت تشخیس ندارن. چرا دلمون برای اونایی بسوزه که خودشون عقل سالم ندارن.

 هر زنی باید بدونه سطحش چیه. ارزشش کیه. کسی که پاشو از گلیمش دراز تر کنه, حقشه بسوزه.

ما بهش مهبت کردیم,لطف کردیم, انتظار داره ما خودمون رو خراب کنیم برای اون. که چی بشه. تقسیر مانیست که ۲ساله عاشقه از دور. زور که نیست. هرکس استاندارد داره. ۱۰۰سالم عشق باشی صاحب یارو که نیستی.

ماهم کشیدیم. ما هم مزه "نه" رو چشیدیم.  تا بالاخره فهمیدیم "دختر, پا تو از گلیم دراز تر نکن"

ما دوستیم, برای خودش میگیم. حالا اگر در این راه یه لذتی هم بردیم که گناه نیست.

 حقمونه.

امشب دوباره حرف زدیم, گفتی خوندی , گفتم آره 

گفتی رفتی,گفتم باشه

هی دروغ پشت دروغ

چیکار کنم با این بی خیالی؟

یه نفر گفت زنای ایران بدبختن‌. باید دل به ره بشینن تا یه نفر بیاد بگیردشون. مبادا بگن دختره مشگل داره, ناقسه, ترشیدس. گفت شانس اوردین شما اونجایی ها, حداقل ارزش زن در مرد داشتنش نیست
 گفتم نگران نباش,شما اونجا خاله زنک دارین و ما Valentines day
روز عشق. روز مهبت و گل و شکلات
روزی که ارزش اسلیت به عنوان یه زن معلوم میشه
اگه مردت برات گل بگیره که معمولیه. چیزه فوقولاده ای نیستی. اگه گل و شکلات رو با هم بگیره باز یه مقدار کلاس میاد بالا
اگر جواهرات بگیری, اونوقت زنی!! خوب کار کردی. ارزش خودتو اوردی بالا. هرچی درخشان تر بهتر
اما
اگر شکلات قلبی نداری, اگه رز نداری, عروسک خرسی نداری, زرق و برق رو گلوت و مچ دستات نداری
اگر مرد نداری...
حق زن بودن نداری
به جاش مشکل داری, قناس داری, یا شاید عقل نداری

Goftam farsish konam ke nagan farsi nist, ke nashod. in computer e farsi nadareh, . hala ba finnglish misazam ta bebinam chi mishe! pas valentines day shod dobareh va man bihoseleh. dishab bihal boodam. ehsas e zeshty gerefte boodam . to ineham niga nakardam mogheye ke raftam to takht. amma sobh zood boland shodam. engar doberh adam shodam. hoseleye varzesho,dars khoondano , neveshtan e esseyhamam zad besaram.
nemidoonam chi shodeh. sobh boland shodam, niga kardam, didam na bab oonghdrha ham bad nistam. khoobab dar konl, with minor adjustments ill be fine. aks haram niga kardam didam nababa hamamoion dirooz zesht boodim. hala bayad berin roo diet, nakhoirim to behtar beshe. ein e zane ehamele shodam, booyeh ghaza halamo beham mizaneh. hlala digeh bayad tamoonm konam beram darse bekhoonam.
barmigardam

Sunday, February 13, 2005 10:47 PM

decided to have the curly hair again, went down town on a whim, had huge Calzone with watery souce for 10.50 and mochaless mocha coffee cake and weak tea for 12.30. this is riddiculous. i have no money and am in dire need for leave in conditionare. feel like i am getting uglier by the minute and it is dipressing to realize that those around me are pretty. feel fleshy and rounded. need to trhow up this shit inside me as it obviosly is not coming out any other way
as an ex ano, i fell gross every time i eat, my body slogish and soft, guilt and digust and repulsion at every part of my body over takes me. and i feel like taking a knife and cutting away at my stomach, this digusting peace of meat, this fleshy shapeless organ. useless to me in all its might and ugliness. over flowing at all angles, taking over, clinging to corners of my clothes, hoping not to fall over
my body seems strange to me. it is incredibe how much your actual picture differs from what you imagine yourself looing like. i've all ways imagined my self audry hepburn like, tiney and sharp angled, but in pictures i come out frumpy, a short thing with round corners and a fleshy face. the picture of a skinny woman whos let go
but i havent. i never have, the struggle has remained, this constant self hate, that goes away and comes back before i can miss it
and i look at other girls, bigger but somehow better. to have a sister who looks incredible, who attracts attention at ever corner, who gets the men you want and the looks you long for is difficult. there is no resentment but a sense of loss and anger. the feeling of, "I could have looked like that", the knowledge that you too could have been perfect, sharp edeged, cheek bones and greek eyes, long graceful limbs
instead of short, frumpy, and curly haired
it is with them that i feel the most ugly, these two creatures of exotic dreams, and me a child, invited along out of pity. a reassurance, a comparison peice. compared to me they seem even more beutiful. two virgos and their neurotic gemini
I feel like a wrong peice of furniture

Saturday, February 12, 2005 7:59 PM 

And so its come to this, to the hopeful stalking of a boy who is mine for the taking. But the chasing is too much fun for me to give way for the taking. And so I fake over interest, over dramatized longing and stalker behavior. I can see why obsession is fun. It is in a way more tragic than actual love, love returned is much simpler than love rejected. The fun of it is in the not knowing, of the anticipation of the touch and of the fear. fear of being fooled, played with and cracked up. Like a shell, like and oyster, and then your disgusting insides are revealed. And then who'd want you?and so I want to chase him and fool myself into thinking I cant have him, when he is just too easy
So she makes calls to people, and she calls him for me. She secretly enjoys this, this silliness of us. And I wonder how we look when we walk together. A tall, coco colored Woman, with her militant hat and chekard jacket And a tiny milky, fire haired princess. Their eyes starry beds of coal
She says that when two people hang out together they adopt each others mannerism. And I imagine us blending into each other and becoming one whole person. It would make sense, though a strange creature we would make

 I wonder how much of her is me and how much of me has become her. I've noticed myself becoming bolder lately, more forward, though I've always been that way. And I've noticed her recent carelessness to her surroundings. and I wonder whether we are bad for each other. if I am her, cruel and unkind and cold, and she is me, careless and roothless, then what is there to make us likeable human beings. And yet we are more desirable than ever
she has begun attracting the people that are usually attracted to me, boys who want their women innocent and quiet and I have gotten her men,men who want it shrewd and fucked up.and so I wonder if we are one creature as a whole, fiery eyed and razor tongued. Foe to waitresses and people in the service industry. A princess monster. Short in height but tall in might
and it is this picture of us I see, of the first year we met. In the middle of a small hotel room, half eaten donuts and energy bars on the shelf behind us. We are both in hats, clutching each other as if being blown away by a wind. no shelter in sight. We are smiling, our teeth peeking from behind our parted lips. And I look like her child, ready to be melted and remolded into what she's always wanted as a friend.